An interesting milestone is ahead, and in just a couple days the Temple of Chrysalis gathers together to our most intimate, intensive event of the year: The Grand Ekklesia. 

The Grand Ekklesia is the place where all the Chrysalids get to participate in the Temple’s hot topics. It is like a tribe meeting of every Chrysalid that there is. On top of that, we arrange workshops and other program such as Actias Disco. 

Needless to say, an event like that takes time and arrangements. But I am honored to have a beautiful volunteer team and my dear Demos Halla who have done the practical arrangements so that I have more space to focus on my area. I am thankful for that.

I remember a cartoon from my childhood. There was a character who was nervous about going to school. He was afraid if he would be liked by the teacher and the classmates and if he would be able to behave well and remember the teacher’s name. And then he found out that everyone else in the class had felt the same, and he no longer felt so alone.

But at the end of the episode, the class found out that the most scared of them all had been the teacher: she had to remember every pupil’s name and she was scared if the children would not like her. Yet, she did not have the space to show her fear because she was the adult and the teacher: the one who the children expected to be the authority and safety pillar. After understanding that everyone had experienced the mutual social nervousness, the pupils calmed down and laughed at their own fears, and everyone offered understanding and empathy to each other.

I can relate. I could pretend “I’m cool, I’m cool, done this like a million times.” but I will not. I am nervous as fuck. I am meeting many of the active members for the first time, and the pressure is high. Will my creation satisfy their needs? Will it help them to have the experience that they were waiting for? Everyone seems to be stressed about their outfits, even though they look already great – and I have nothing. Can the Luminary show up without a proper regalia? It would be easy to say “They are not coming to see your outfit.” But… even if it was not conscious, it still matters. Surely I can boost my vibration and show up wearing just a T-shirt and still be radiant. But it sure as hell helps to have something proper to wear.

There are several things I can screw up. I can forget to bring the altar equipment. I may forget the kaleidoscope tests. Or perhaps I forget to bring 23 pens. Or, the Actias disco music list is not long enough. Or maybe I have not instructed Halla enough so that she knows about which things are hers to communicate and which are mine. Or perhaps I have added some false information to one of my Grand Ekklesia presentations, and someone points it out and I feel shame.

Or maybe I have miscalculated the schedules and nothing goes like I estimated. Or maybe I can’t find 23 large sticks in the whole capital area without them costing altogether like 50 euros or so. Or, maybe I am running out of time and I will whip myself for using time to write this blog entry instead of practicing my performance. Or maybe I can’t sleep enough and I become my crankiest Trogonoptera and I hiss to people and they think I’m an asshole. 

Or maybe someone gets emotional because of the intensity of the rituals, and I get blamed and Ceranchias start insisting that we give trigger warnings in the middle of improvised rituals. “ESTI HEE KHRYSALLIS KALEE DEMAS – TW, I will now poke my finger with the needle so there might be blood coming. Close your eyes. ESTI HEE KHRYSALLIS HIERA! TW, and now the music and my movement makes this part intentionally emotionally intensive so you may start crying. Close your ears.”

OR, maybe someone has corona and soon the newspapers start screaming “A Finnish cult leader spread Covid-19 – and you never guess what happened then!”

Oh, all the sweet horror fantasies! 

This morning I ranted to my precious Teleas about many things, most of them quite small or no issues at all. Just minor annoyances, like a mosquito next to your ear. After two large cups of coffee I understood that everything I felt was derived from fear. Not me actually being annoyed. I am not annoyed. I am scared. And what does it mean that I am scared? It means that I care. It means that things matter. And when things matter, it means I am alive.

So right now, my dear fellow Chrysalid. Explore your fears. And remember that courage is when you are scared, but you still move forward.

Soon we will all meet and greet and spend four amazing days together. Let’s be merciful to each other and make every Chrysalid feel welcome.

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